Relationships don’t usually fall apart because of one big blowout. More often, they erode slowly — through missed moments of connection, eye rolls, silences, or shrugged shoulders. But what if you could spot these moments and change the course of your relationship? Enter the so-called “Bird Test,” a concept popularized from the work of Dr. John Gottman, one of the most renowned researchers in relationship psychology.
What Is the “Bird Test”?
The term “Bird Test” stems from a simple interaction: a husband sees a bird and says, “Look at that beautiful bird!” His wife has a choice in that moment. She can:
- Turn toward: “Wow, it really is beautiful.” (engaging)
- Turn away: [Silence, distracted] (ignoring)
- Turn against: “Why do you always interrupt me?” (rejecting)
This small moment is what Gottman calls a bid for connection. And how we respond to these bids is more predictive of long-term relationship success than conflict resolution, compatibility, or even shared values.
Why Bids Matter
A bid can be verbal or nonverbal — a sigh, a joke, a touch, a question, a glance. Every time your partner tries to connect with you, they’re putting a little piece of themselves out there. Your response either builds trust and intimacy or chips away at it.
Gottman’s research found:
- Couples who stayed happily married turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time.
- Couples who later divorced only did so 33% of the time.
These micro-moments are the relationship.
How to Use the Bird Test in Your Relationship
Here are a few ways couples can turn this concept into practice:
- Become Aware of Bids
Start noticing when your partner is asking for your attention — not just with words, but with gestures, moods, or glances. Many bids are subtle. - Practice Turning Toward
You don’t have to respond perfectly, but even a small acknowledgment like, “Tell me more,” or a smile can count. The goal is to show, “I see you, I hear you, you matter.” - Repair Missed Bids
No one gets it right every time. If you realize you missed a bid, come back to it:
“Hey, I was distracted earlier when you were talking about your day — I want to hear more now.” - Make Your Own Bids Clear
Sometimes we expect our partners to “just know” what we need. Try making your own bids easier to notice. Instead of sighing and hoping they ask, try, “I’d love to talk for a few minutes if you have time.”
Small Moments, Big Impact
Couples often search for big solutions — more date nights, better communication tools, therapy (all helpful!). But lasting love is built in the small, everyday choices. Every time you turn toward your partner, you’re saying:
“You matter to me, even in this little moment.”
That’s the real test. And that’s the real work of love. If you want to learn more about how to implement this practice and other Gottman recommended practices into your marriage to enrich it, reach out today to book a couples counselling session with one of our trained couples therapists. We offer sessions online for those who cannot attend in person, day time, evening, and Saturday appointments, and reduced-fee options for those without insurance or who are low-income. Why wait to have the marriage you’ve always dreamed about?! Reach out today to book a FREE consultation call or an initial intake session and to get started.