They may slam the door—but they still want you to knock.
Teenagers are often painted as mysterious, moody, or impossible to read. One moment they want your attention, the next they’re pushing you away. They say “leave me alone” with their words, but their eyes? Their silence? Their late-night texts?
They’re saying something else entirely.
Here’s the truth:
Your teen still needs you—desperately.
They just don’t always know how to show it… or how to ask for it.
And as therapists who work with teens every day, we can tell you—there are things they wish they could say out loud, but don’t.
So we’re going to say them for them.
1. “Please stay curious about me, even when I push you away.”
When your teen seems distant or shuts down, it’s easy to assume they don’t care or don’t want connection. But often, they’re testing:
Will you give up on me if I make it hard to love me right now?
Underneath the silence is a longing to be seen without pressure. Keep showing up with quiet curiosity. Even if they don’t open up right away, your presence matters more than your questions.
2. “Don’t try to fix me—just sit with me.”
Teens are wired to test boundaries and try independence. It’s how they learn who they are. But failure can feel terrifying—especially if they think they’ll be judged or shamed for it.
3. “Let me fail—then help me figure it out.”
Holding space without trying to fix is one of the most healing things you can do.
“That sounds really heavy. I’m here if you want to talk more.”
Try:
“You just need to get more sleep. You’ll feel better.”
Instead of:
Your teen doesn’t always want solutions. They want to know that their feelings are valid and that they’re not weird or broken for having them.
Your job isn’t to catch every fall. It’s to be the steady place they can land when things get hard. That’s how confidence (and trust) is built.
4. “Stop focusing so much on what I’m doing—and notice what I’m feeling.”
When teens act out, procrastinate, shut down, or snap back, there’s always a reason. Often it’s not rebellion—it’s regulation.
Ask yourself:
“What’s going on under this behaviour?”
“What’s my teen trying to cope with, avoid, or express?”
Behaviour is the symptom. Emotion is the root.
5. “I still need your affection, even if I act like I don’t.”
They may roll their eyes. Shrug off your hug. Say “ew.”
But trust us—they still crave warmth, reassurance, and closeness.
You might just need to offer it differently:
- A gentle touch on the back.
- Sitting near them without talking.
- A quick, “I love you, no matter what.”
- A meme that says, “I’m thinking of you.”
They won’t always say it—but it matters deeply.
6. “Please forgive me when I don’t have the words.”
Teens are feeling big things. Many of them for the first time. And they often don’t know what they’re feeling, much less how to express it. So instead, they withdraw. Or explode. Or seem “lazy,” “rude,” or “disrespectful.”
But underneath, they’re often thinking:
“I don’t know how to ask for help without feeling weak.”
“I’m scared you’ll be disappointed in me.”
“I’m trying, but everything feels overwhelming.”
Compassion goes a long way.
Final Thought: You’re Still the Anchor
Even when your teen acts like they don’t care, they’re watching you.
They’re listening.
They’re absorbing how you show up when things get hard.
You don’t have to say all the right things or know exactly what to do.
You just have to stay connected. Stay present. Stay patient.
And keep reminding them, in small ways:
“You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”
“I’m here—even when it’s messy.”
“You matter to me, exactly as you are.”
Need help building connection with your teen?
We help parents and teens navigate the tricky middle space between independence and attachment. If your relationship with your teen feels stuck, distant, or explosive—we can help you reconnect. Reach out to our office to schedule a consult call with one of our therapists to get started. We have several therapists on our team who specialize in working with teens and families.
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